Why Attaining Happiness is So Elusive - Part 2

In this second article of the series The Happiness- Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses:
Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdompeople often cling to the illusion that they are better
by Jonathan Haidt, I share with you more fascinatingthan others. Interestingly, 94% of college professors
psychological theories and observations I discovered.think they do above average work, including myself. In
Although I realize that knowing about happiness will notone psychological study focusing on charity giving,
make me or you more happy, it may help me and youpeople were given five dollars. When asked how
understand how elusive attaining happiness can be.much they would contribute to charity, they said on
In Part 1, I described Haidt's description of the role ofaverage $2.44. However, they thought others would
the unconscious mind or the "elephant" in our ways ofcontribute on average only a $1.83. Researchers found
thinking and acting. I briefly explained the threethat the people originally given the five dollars only
concepts of the Like-O-Meter, negativity bias andgave on average $1.53. So much for thinking highly of
affective style. Lastly, I looked at threeourselves as being more generous than others!
recommendations Haidt gives for influencing our- Naive realism: people think they see the world as it
affective style: practicing mediation, learning to doreally is. We all have the tendency to think we are right
cognitive therapy and taking Prozac.and others are biased. I myself often think that the
In this article, I will briefly examine the importance offacts are there for all to see and others should agree
reciprocity in connecting with others and look at thewith me. It has gotten me into trouble many times,
dangers of hypocrisy and self-righteousness inespecially with my wife. It almost ruined my marriage
preventing us from being happy. From Haidt'sat the start.
psychological perspective, we need to be aware that- The myth of pure evil: this is perhaps the most
life is a "game of social manipulation."insidious mind game that people can play. Religious
Reciprocity as a social toolextremists or politicians often think that evil comes
In examining different studies, Haidt argues thatfrom outside us and if you question this you are in
reciprocity is the social bond that ties us together. Heleague with evil. This can lead to the excesses of
spends a lot of time examining the role of gossip infundamentalism, whether it is Muslim Christian, Jewish
society, but particularly its function in giving and gettingor whatever. A vivid example of this on a political level
information, usually negative information aboutis George W. Bush's wildly simplistic "Axis of evil."
someone or something. He asserts that reciprocity isWhat you can do about it
deeply rooted in animal and human life and should beDrawing on modern psychology and Buddhist
the basic currency of our social relationships. Confuciusteachings, Haidt recommends three deceptively simple
thought that reciprocity was the best guide to one's life.strategies for overcoming these mind games:
Another wise man, St. Francis said, "It is in giving that1. See life as a game. Do not take things so seriously.
we receive...." As a former president of a chapter inBuddha recommended being indifferent to the ups and
Business Network International I practiced thisdowns of life.
philosophy "giver's gain." I can also relate to it as "what2. Stop judging people and things. To tame the
goes around, comes around.""elephant" -- our automatic reactions -- try doing
Games people playmeditation or learning cognitive therapy. See Part 1 of
I easily identified myself and others when I read aboutthe series for a reference to the book Feeling Good
the different mind games that people can play. Theseby David Burns.
include moral hypocrisy, using the "inner lawyer (also3. Be empathetic. Start with yourself and the log in
known as the "little voice"), seeing the world throughyour own eye. Finding fault with your self is a good
rose-colored glasses, naive realism, and the myth ofway to overcoming hypocrisy and being judgmental.
pure evil. According to Haidt, such mind games canOf course, this is like telling me to it eat less if I am
block you from achieving a state of lasting peace andoverweight. Not much will happen without some kind of
harmony:practice. For example, I need to develop my capacity
- Moral hypocrisy: Haidt claims that basically we are allto observe myself in a non-judgmental way. This is the
moral hypocrites. We have a tendency to value theessence of mindfulness (I was pleased to see
appearance of morality over reality. I myself like toPresident Obama mention the word "mindful" in his
think I have high morals; however, when I am overpaidinauguration speech.)
in change at a store, for example, I tend to keep theI said these strategies were deceptively simple,
money.because it took me several years of business / life
- "Inner lawyer": another game people play is that theycoaching with Dr. Fred Horowitz to begin to put them
often do not think they are doing anything wrong wheninto practice. By being aware of my mind's structures
they actually do cheat or lie. They usually come upand strategies, I can step out of my mind games. By
with a good excuse to justify it. Using our inner lawyerbeing aware of my little voice and seeing my own
or little voice -- our propensity to find reasons tonegative patterns or unconscious behaviors or blind
support our gut feelings -- we hide inconvenient factsspots, I may become less biased, less moralistic, and
and weave a plausible alternative story. In fact, weless inclined toward silly argument and conflict.
believe the stories we make up.